McCain-Palin – How Low Will They Go?

28 09 2008

With every day bringing new cringe-worthy gaffes, inadequacies, and (R)evelations (Biblical and otherwise), the McCain campaign is getting desperate. They’ve tried just about everything to postpone, or lessen the carnage of the looming bloodbath that will be the Vice Presidential debate this Thursday night.Plan A – Change the rules of the debate. Give the candidates less time to talk, and less time to talk TO each other. If Palin has 25% less time to talk, she will embarrass herself and her party…..25% less. That’s the theory anyway. Plan A has been implemented.Plan B – Economic meltdown. Play it so that John McCain is “the only one” who can solve the crisis, and suspend the campaign so he can. Push for the Presidential debate to be moved forward to take the place of…..wait for it…..the Vice Presidential debate! This allows for the VP debate to be postponed indefinitely! It’s so crazy, it just might work… Except it didn’t. Barack Obama called McCain’s bluff, showed for the debate and forced McCain to participate or risk being upstaged by a nationally televised Obama Town Hall meeting. (McCain campaign lifting collective fist to the sky…”Noooooooo!”)Plan C – While looking for another way to stall the debate, giving Palin more time to memorize those index cards of talking points, create a diversion for the press. Because right now, the press is not a friend to the McCain campaign. The Couric interview was an epic disaster. Obama won the first Presidential debate, according to most Americans. McCain is looking dangerously physically run-down. Even Alaskans have had it with their governor, and were out in droves Saturday, protesting the stonewalling of her ethics investigation. Op-ed pieces from the left and from the right have been unflattering to say the least. Hmmm….how to divert all this negative press coverage….*lightbulb*

In an election campaign notable for its surprises, Sarah Palin, the Republican vice- presidential candidate, may be about to spring a new one — the wedding of her pregnant teenage daughter to her ice-hockey-playing fiancé before the November 4 election.

Inside John McCain’s campaign the expectation is growing that there will be a popularity boosting pre-election wedding in Alaska between Bristol Palin, 17, and Levi Johnston, 18, her schoolmate and father of her baby. “It would be fantastic,” said a McCain insider. “You would have every TV camera there. The entire country would be watching. It would shut down the race for a week.”

Because, as we all know, that’s the definition of a “fantastic” wedding.


Awwww…..Don’t they just look so in love….freaked out and miserable? And there’s something about a tattooed engagement ring…

So, if Plan C is indeed a shotgun wedding, what does this mean? Will the press, as the McCain campaign hopes, make this the Alaskan hillbilly version of the Prince Charles/Lady Diana nuptials? Will they have to suspend the campaign so the parents of the bride can participate? Will that shotgun fit under Todd’s tuxedo without looking conspicuous?

But more importantly, if the press does turn its lascivious, million-eyed focus on the young lovers, will this actually be a good thing for McCain and Palin? Or, will the nation have its head held, and be forced to watch as these two young people, who never asked for this kind of attention, become a sideshow attraction as they are paraded in front of cameras, and become political pawns in a chess game they don’t want to play? This plan may backfire.

How does the proud papa-to-be, Levi Johnston, feel about the situation?

The ice-hockey player wrote on his MySpace page he was a “f***ing redneck” and stated, “I don’t want kids.” But a McCain insider predicted he would marry Bristol whenever his future mother-in-law wanted. “It’s a shotgun wedding. She kills things,” the source joked.

Ha ha. Let the marital bliss begin.

Although several sources are already reporting on this, no one has speculated yet about where this wedding might take place. We all recall how Sarah, wile pregnant and in labor with her infant son Trig, admitted that she hopped two commercial airline flights, and bypassed hospitals in Dallas, Seattle, and even in Anchorage, so she could deliver the high-risk baby in her home town of Wasilla, Alaska. “First Dude” Todd Palin explained jeapordizing his wife and unborn child’s safety by stating, “You can’t have a fish-picker from Texas.”

So where do we suppose the wedding will be? Todd? Can you have a shotgun wedding in D.C.? Can we Alaskans expect yet another media circus for the “Bristol ‘n Levi” wedding? Join me as we spiral our way down into further depths of the painfully tacky, brutally opportunistic, Machiavellian nausea that is the McCain campaign.

*h/t to Crooks and Liars for the photo.




2 responses

1 10 2008

I love your website. Hope you’re enjoying yourself. For some reason I just have to tell you – the groom doesn’t carry the shotgun at a shotgun wedding. Todd (or Sarah) would have it, so they could shoot Levi if he tried to escape.

2 10 2008

Maybe “Sewards’s Folly” was an accurate description. A past reference to future quasi-journalism in Seward’s Icebox.

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